In Flux

[It has been awhile since I blogged because this blog was originally created for a J-term class I created for myself on the Black Lives Matter movement. At the time I was open to the idea of continuing to blog past January, but I never truly decided if I would or not.. until now.]

I feel like I am in a constant state of change. My second year of seminary is complete and I am counting down the days until my greatly anticipated internship year begins. Just as the world is in a constant state of flux - becoming the kingdom of God, but not yet the kingdom in full - so too is my life.. in the world but NOT YET of the world. I hate waiting.. I think that's a normal thing to hate as a human. I have never heard anyone say "Yeah, I've been waiting around for like two years, but no rush! I'm enjoying myself." I don't know what to do with myself in this time of waiting. It's like I have all these things I want to do with my life, but it's just not time to live it. So am I even living at all?

Life has literally been in constant flux for me. There are the normal stages of change: elementary school to junior high, child to adolescent, junior high to high school, etc. But there have also been jarring stages of change: my parents divorce, the death of multiple friends, ending of relationships. Without explaining my entire life story I'll just point out the major events. My parents divorced when I was in middle school and my dad moved across the river into Iowa. Within the next few years a friend dies in a car accident, an even closer friend completes suicide, and my dad goes to detox/rehab. Then, I move to Iowa and finish my junior and senior year of high school. HUGE change. (not to mention all the friends I lost along the way - literally and figuratively) Then I move to college. HUGE change. Then I move to seminary and then I get married. Some more huge changes.

When someone asks you where you're from and you can't even figure out what your "hometown" is.. you might be living "in flux"/constant states of change.

I don't necessarily mind this. It is certainly not the story I would have written for myself, but moving is not the problem. I think the source of my problem right now is that I am a dreamer. I have big dreams - some I know I will achieve and others I know are literally just dreams. Being a dreamer makes me passionate and being passionate makes me giddy and anyone who gets giddy knows that just makes you want to be active - to get out there and do something! These aren't bad qualities by any means, I know that. What sucks is that I feel like being in school for 800 years means putting those dreams on hold. And I am uncomfortable with putting things on hold, because losing so much so young taught me to live like there is no tomorrow, because today could literally be the death of me. This drives me to make every day count. This also drives my anxiety up the wall! "Am I doing enough? Did I waste the day away? What if I never get to.... ? If not now, when!? If not me, who!?" The thoughts never cease. They never let me off the hook. Talk about being a prisoner in your own mind.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to adopt. Adopt dogs, cats, any animal in need of a home. But especially adopt a child. In the past 10 years I have added being a foster parent to that list. And in more recent years have added having my own children to that list. I have never been in the right place or the right time to be a mom. Now I am married and everyone around me has kids and I am still convinced it is not the right place or time for me because I have two years of school left, I live in a small rental, and my husband and I have mounds of debt to pay back from years of schooling. Will it ever be the right place or time? What about all the children waiting for homes right now? Could I make it work? Am I doing a disservice to them by waiting for the "perfect" time for me? Is that selfish or smart? Time is wasting.

Apart from wanting to have my own family and be there for children in need, I have acquired more dreams. These dreams have crept up on me for the last four or five years after answering the call to ministry and fostering my identity as an activist. These dreams themselves are in flux as I continue to grow and learn more about the complex Christian community on a global, national, and local level. I couldn't even tell you what they all look like but ideas include collaborative ministries, mission start churches, ministry with the homeless/on the streets, ministry with the mentally ill/in behavioral health, ministry with children in need, etc. etc. but I can't do much of this because I'm not yet OF the world, I am still tied down to school. For TWO more years. This coming year of internship will be such a breath of fresh air because I will be able to get my hands dirty and to DO ministry! I will have the opportunity to keep on learning and therefore developing these dreams. I will get to practice, to fail, and to succeed. Internship will be a blessing and I cannot wait for it to begin. But what about today? How do I live a life that is-and-of-itself a ministry to the world?

I live for today because tomorrow is not a guarantee.. yet I live life today in anticipation of what tomorrow holds (or more like weeks). This contradiction is hard for my heart to grapple with. So I read, spend time with people, go to work, and volunteer. Yet none of this seems like enough. It feels like I'm holding my breath and I can't let it out until the day I have a family, a house/petting-zoo (Yenny I hope you're reading this), and the "job" that I want.

I know this is not right and living this way is internally painful. I literally want to say, "Well heres to the start of internship when I at least won't be feeling this way for one year!" But that would be throwing away today and throwing away the handful of days I have left before internship even begins!

My life matters TODAY. Even if I am wrestling with my mind, I KNOW that my life matters today for my husband. My life matters today for my rescue baby, Izze. And this is just the short list.

How do you live for today?

How do you reconcile the difference between the now, but not yet?

- Paris

"When it comes time to die, let us not discover that we have never lived." -Henry David Thoreau