World Suicide Prevention Day

It's World Suicide Prevention Day!

Maybe it's weird to be upbeat about this day, but honestly I am just so glad that enough people have made enough noise for long enough that the world has taken notice! Also, this day is a day that reminds me/gives me an excuse to take extra care of myself and also tell the ones I love how much I love them.

YOU, if you are reading this, I love you and I am so glad that YOU exist.

Suicide has been a part of my life since junior high. That was the first time I had suicidal thoughts and also the first time a friend confided in me about their suicide thoughts.

When I was a freshman in high school that friend took his life. Adrian died just days after my dad's lifelong best friend took his own life as well. To say that week of my life was a whirlwind of chaos is an understatement. As odd as it may seem, I owe my life to Adrian. I do not believe that everything happens for a reason or that Adrian died so that I might live (that is harmful theology), but I do know that I would have killed myself if Adrian hadn't done it first. Since Adrian and Mark's death I have lost three more friends to suicide. Being a 'survivor' of suicide, the one 'left behind,' shaped me during my most formative years of life.

I believe in a God of life, death, and resurrection.

Not because someone told me to, but because that is how God revealed Godself in my life.

Part of me died when Adrian died.

Part of me died when countless other things made my childhood traumatic.

Part of me still wishes it were me, rather than Adrian all those years ago.

But God found me in that pain, sorrow, and grief. God, who makes all things new, helped me to find life in the midst of all that death. And God taught me, through Adrian, that we don't have to wait until the 'final day' for resurrection, for Christ has resurrected Adrian already in my heart and in the heart of all those who love him to this day. Adrian is alive and well and has helped me find purpose, meaning, and joy again.

I live my life for Adrian. For Mark. For Josh. For Giles. For Allyssa.

"Those who bear the mark of pain are never really free; they owe a debt to the ones who still suffer."

"I love when people who have been through hell, walk out of the flames carrying buckets of water for those still consumed by the fire."

I strive to be vulnerable and honest about my experiences in this life so that others might see they are not alone and choose to stay. I long to be the voice of the voiceless, of those screaming for help inside their own minds, wondering if anyone even cares. And I care because God cares. God created you and Christ came that you might have life and life ABUNDANT! (John 10:10)

Last November I got a tattoo as a memorial and a reminder. A memorial for all the friends I’ve lost, and a reminder that God met me in the middle of all that pain and grief and gave me new life. A snowflake because Adrian loved the snow and we spent many-a days on the slopes at Snowstar. The snowflake also serves as a symbol of our uniqueness. Like snowflakes none of us are the same. We are irreplaceable. The semicolon to the side is also a reminder; that my story doesn’t have to end and in those moments of despair I can take a minute to pause, breathe, and keep going.

If you're hurting, you're not alone. It's tough business being human. It's okay to not be okay. Please stay. Please reach out to someone, anyone: a friend, family member, national hotline or online chat board. I know you don't want to go, you just don't know how to keep going. I will walk with you. We will figure it out together. "Our hearts are heavy burdens we shouldn't have to bear alone."

If you are someone whom a friend has confided in and you are worried about the safety of your friend, don't wait to act. If it's an emergency, call 911. If you know where that person is, go be with them. If you think you need to tell that friend's parents, spouse, whoever - do it. It might be hard, it might make them mad for a time, but at least they will still be alive.

This life is beautiful and tragic all wrapped into one.

I don't expect I will ever fully grasp it. But that's okay. The mystery keeps me going. There is still time to be surprised. And regardless of the situation, God is present. I hope you find as much hope and life in that reality as I do.

Despite how old this picture is, our junior high awkwardness, and the stupid face I'm making, I still love this moment in time. I remember where we were, who we were with, and how we felt. <3 Adrian, I'd give anything for one more day with you.